God: Hey everyone, welcome back to WWJD radio – the premier FM station for all the best spiritual hits from the 80s, 90s and today (harp sound effect). This is your captain speaking – DJ Lord Almighty – here to save your soul from all cruddy rock music out there. We’ll kick this afternoon’s jam sesh off with some Iron Butterfly in a minute, but first let’s take some prayers! We’ve got Jimmy in Cleveland – Jimmy!
Jimmy: Hey Almighty, long time listener, first time prayer. I recently went through a divorce with my wife, and well, I just wanted to ask if you could give me the strength to get through this troubling time?
God: Ooh, ouch Jimmy. That’s gotta hurt. First, let me just say that I know your wife, and she’s not as pious as she’d have you believe. In fact, you might as well call her Jezebel because she’s been sleeping around on you for the past eight months! So don’t feel so bad about your recent transgressions. As for the strength, I can certainly help you out with that – slap a few bills in the collection plate at church next Sunday and I’ll see what I can do.
Jimmy: Great, thanks Lord!
God: Let’s go the Candace in Kentucky – Candace!
God: Remember her? How could I forget her? Have no worries Candace, your sister’s body was sculpted by me Himself – and I dare say I broke the mold with her. Trust me, your sister and her fine, fine form will be allllll right!
Candace: Oh, praise be to you! Thank you so much!
God: What’s that…hold the phones listeners, my producer Peter has just informed me we’ve got an atheist on line eight. We don’t get many prayers from those guys – Chad, great to have you – how can I help?
Chad: Uh, hey God…hello? Are you there?
Chad: I can’t hear anything on your end, but, well – I don’t really believe in you or anything, but my son is real sick right now and the docs say he won’t make it. If you’re up there, I could really use some help.
God: Ooh, sounds like someone’s reached the bargaining stage of their grief! Chad, you may have turned your back on me, but as we all know I’m a loving God! Tell you what? I’ll make a deal with you – I save your son’s life, so long as you go ahead and spend the rest of your life spreading the word of me, okay? Sound fair?
Chad: I’ll spend the rest of my life devoted to you, I swear. Just don’t let my son die.
God: Great! Sounds like we’ve got a deal! Folks, we’ll get back to more prayers in hour two, right now let’s take a quick commercial break brought to you by Popeye’s Chicken! Popeye’s – crispy, spicy, oh so good – if it’s not Popeye’s then it’s not a party! On the flip side of this break, we’ll take you into the Gadda Da Vidda! Don’t go anywhere!
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- I’m Afraid You’re Going To Have To Pay Full Price, Jesus
- God Losing Ground In Polls As 2010 Deity Election Approaches
- How To Become A God