How To Win An Argument

Whether you’re going for a big promotion at work or playing basketball with your son at home, there’s nothing in life more important than winning. Of course, this fact also applies to arguments. Being good at arguing has a number of advantages, including:

  • Proving to people that their opinions are stupid
  • Always getting to eat where you want to eat
  • Feeling like a big shot
  • Convincing family members why you can’t wash the dishes
  • Never having to say, “I’m wrong”

If you want to get your way all the time and feel that “high” that comes with beating a friend or family member in a battle of words, then follow these easy steps to win any argument:

Yell Really Loudly

If you find that your opponent is having trouble seeing your side of the argument, then the best tactic is to YELL REALLY LOUDLY. This is helpful because it allows your viewpoint to get through that thick skull of who ever you are arguing with.

Also, yelling can help give more weight to your argument. For example, if your opponent has numerous pointed statements that back up his or her claim, and you can only think of one flimsy statement as a rebuttal, then screaming that one statement over and over again will help drown out all those watered-down “facts” and “statistics” being offered up by your opponent.

Put Your Fingers in Your Ears and Shout “La La La”

Hearing the other person’s side of the argument can be dangerous. If they have a rational, well-thought-out argument, then it may cause you to start questioning your gut instincts. To avoid contaminating your correct viewpoint, it is recommended that you don’t pay attention to anything the other person is saying.

To best accomplish this, shove your fingers into your ears and shout, “La La La,” over and over again at the top of your lungs. Other good things to shout that can help you ignore someone’s argument include:

  • “No! No! No!”
  • The Star-Spangled Banner
  • Devil, get out!”

Throw a Temper Tantrum

If yelling proves insufficient, then it may be time to pull out the big guns and throw a full-fledged temper tantrum. Start by stomping your foot on the ground and putting on a big pouty face. Then, fall to the ground and flail wildly as you shout at the top of your lungs. If possible, grab nearby objects and throw them to the ground. If you’re doing it all correctly, your opponent (I mean “loser”) will eventually give in to your side of the argument just to get you to calm down.

Hold Your Breath Until You Eventually Pass Out

When all else fails, hold your breath until you eventually pass out. Doing so will help your opponent realize, “Wow, this guy is really convicted about his viewpoint. He MUST be right.” As such, when you finally regain consciousness, you can expect to be woken up with a big apology and an admission that you were right (also, maybe an ice cream cone or cool new toy).


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2 Responses to How To Win An Argument

  1. Heather says:

    Hahaha! I love your twisted sense of reverse psychology. I think you could probably pull off one of those weekend anger or stress management courses with stuff like this. Truth goes down a lot easier with a good laugh. This was veritably hilarious.

    • Pleated Jeans says:

      Funny you mention that. I’m running a seminar this weekend. I’ve bought a cool new headset microphone and American flag necktie and am ready to change some lives. There are still a few slots open in you’re available (low, low ticket price of $99).

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