Sony Playstation – November 9, 2000
Sony Playstation was buried this morning at the bottom of a box marked “garage sale.” Friends and family members wishing to pay their respects may find the deceased in the back corner of Jeff’s garage. Sony Playstation is survived by Super Nintendo and his newborn brother, Sony Playstation 2.
Plant passed away last evening. While the cause of death is still unknown, dry leaves and cracked soil indicate under-watering. Because owner neglect may have contributed to the death, police are investigating the matter as a potential case of plant-slaughter. If you have any information about the case, please contact local authorities.
“No Fear” T-Shirt – March 20, 1994
“No Fear” T-Shirt was a proud garment and devoted member of Jeff’s wardrobe. He enjoyed fabric softener, plastic hangers and being worn first out of the wash. “No Fear” T-Shirt was one of several garments lost last week due to Spring Cleaning. Yaga T-Shirt, JNCO Jeans and Aqua Socks will also be missed.
Leftover Chinese Food – February 12, 2010
Leftover Chinese Food recently passed over to the trashcan due to old age. While the actual date of expiration is unknown, the refrigerator owner discovered the deceased to be stale and unappetizing late last night. He was five weeks old.
Aquaman Juice Glass passed last evening due to multiple fracture wounds sustained from a 4-foot fall to the kitchen floor. Jeff’s college roommate, Hunter, claims the tragic accident occurred when the cat jumped onto the kitchen counter. However, since the cat never jumps onto the kitchen counter, the grieving owner is suspicious.
Basketball – April 13, 1996
Basketball rolled under a moving car last night and took his own life. Reports suggest that stress from over-inflation and being repeatedly misused as a soccer ball may have contributed to Basketball’s death.