FAQs About My Duel With Tex

Hi friends! As some of you may already know, I will be attempting to murder Tex in a good old-fashioned duel this upcoming Saturday. As it is my first gun duel, I’ve got to say I’m pretty freaking psyched. Anyway, it would be really cool if you could come out and cheer me on as I try and send that big jerk into the afterlife.  Hopefully any questions you have about the event can be found below. Thanks, and hope to see you there!

Why do you want to shoot Tex dead?

Because this town isn’t big enough for the two of us. He’s been giving me the stink eye for weeks. Also, I think he’s been kind of sore at me ever since I thwarted his attempt to grab the mayor’s daughter and carry her off on horseback kicking and screaming to that camp he has on the outskirts of town. This has made him really snippy towards me whenever he sees me in the saloon, and frankly, I’m sick of it.

To put it bluntly: he’s a bad apple. And as we all know, bad apples need to be pumped full of lead and buried in a pine box.

What time is the duel?

High noon (duh).

Where is the duel?

In the middle of that one dirt road that goes through town (double duh).

What can I do to help?

Really, just be there for moral support. Having the crowd advantage can do a lot to help psyche a gunslinger up so he can be more on his game. Of course, Tex will probably have his whole posse there, so I’ll need you all to chant my name louder and more excitedly then all those opposing spectators. Wearing blue (the color of my favorite t-shirt) may also be helpful.

Do I need to bring anything?

Signs with clever slogans or my name on it are strongly encouraged. That way, you could hold up the signs during the duel to let everyone know your personal opinions on who you think should win. Also – and this is purely optional – if someone could bring a tumbleweed so we can roll it between me and Tex before the duel starts, that would be a super cool mood-setter.

Oh! And if any of you happen to know Ennio Morricone, then you could totally ask him to bring some cool, suspenseful background music for the duel (but again, optional).

What if you lose the duel?

Tex is obviously the bad guy in this duel, which makes me the hero. As such, I am highly favored to win. However, on the off chance I do get shot, I want someone in the crowd – preferably a lovely lady – to rush to my side. That way, I can say something really touching and important right before I die. Something like, “It’s too late for me, but not for Joey. Take care of him for me” (Joey is a kid orphan that I intend to bond with over the next few days).

Ok, well then what happens when you win?

Pizza party at my house!!!

——

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2 Responses to FAQs About My Duel With Tex

  1. Pingback: Emailed Excuses From a Tax Accountant « pleated jeans

  2. Pingback: Minutes From Last Week’s Meeting of the Hats « pleated jeans

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