Jeff Wysaski
Dear Parents,
As your child’s third-grade teacher, I must stress that I am not just in charge of your child’s education, but also his or her safety during time spent in my classroom. Due to this fact, I would like to inform you that one of the students in our class has a peanut allergy. As such, I am going to ask that you be sensitive to this potentially dangerous allergy by not allowing your child to bring any peanut-related products to school.
This includes peanut butter, peanut brittle and any candy with peanuts in it.
On a similar note, another student is allergic to shellfish, so please abstain from filling your son’s or daughter’s lunchbox with shrimp, scallops, prawns, lobster, oysters, barnacles and hermit crabs.
While I know this may limit your child’s variety of food during lunch time, I assure you that it is important to be sensitive to the special needs of all individuals in the class room. I think we can all agree that both a child’s mental and physical health should be a top priority in any classroom.
Which is why I am also going to have to ask that no imagery of peanuts – be it a picture of a peanut factory or a cartoon graphic of Mr. Peanut – also not be allowed in the classroom, as these images may remind any child with a peanut allergy of his or her inability to consume such products. Of course, these images may cause unnecessary mental anguish.
Also, no Peanuts comic strips, please.
Additionally, in an effort to minimize insecurities of certain “differences” that may be felt by our school’s albino population, I regret to inform you that recess will be held inside this year (and away from the sun’s harmful rays). In accordance with this initiative, please refrain from sending your child to school with UV-emitting products, such as tanning beds.
Furthermore, please inform your child not to discuss or display any photos of his or her father while on school grounds. Due to one or more children being raised by single mothers, I think it would be prudent to cut such touchy subjects completely from the classroom.
Fathers, also please refrain from picking your child up from school. These children don’t need to be reminded that their fathers will never be there for them.
Also, one student has informed me that he is allergic to math. As such, that portion of the curriculum will not be covered this year.
Thank you for listening and being understanding towards the needs of your child’s classmates. We’re looking forward to a great year!
Sincerely,
Mrs. Shields
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