Monthly Archives: February 2010

Teenage Moon Seeks to Distance Self From Mother Earth

Look mom, I know I’ve been orbiting around you now for the past 4.25 billion years, but I’m not a loose spinning mass of hot molten rock anymore. I solidified into a full-fledged celestial body eons ago. Which is why … Continue reading

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You Know What Would Really Jazz Up This Chain Gang? Some Show Tunes

Boy, I tell you fellas, if I’d known the state was going to put me to work digging ditches all day, I never would have killed all those people. This is hard work, I’ll give them that much. But guys, … Continue reading

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Fool-Proof Ways to Protect Your Stuff From Getting Stolen

I’m not usually one to brag, but when it comes to avoiding theft, I can pretty much outsmart even the craftiest of criminal masterminds. You may think that protecting your home, car or personal belongings may require an investment into … Continue reading

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How To Transition Out of Your Career as a Ninja Assassin

There comes a point in any ninja assassin‘s career when the joy and adrenaline rush that comes from scaling a castle wall or sneaking up on an enemy and snapping his neck at close range just becomes another day at … Continue reading

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The Step-Daddy Authority Suit

Step-dads, are the children of your new wife not giving you the respect you deserve? Do your attempts at discipline fall on deaf ears? Are you sick of hearing comments about how you’re “not my real daddy?” If so, then … Continue reading

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How to Get a Dame to Go Out With You – The Bogart Method

If you’ve been to a moving picture recently, you may have noticed that the hard-boiled hero always gets the dame. Well, if you’re sitting there in your glad rags at the nickelodeon feeling lonely because you haven’t got a dame … Continue reading

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I Don’t Think We Should See Each Other Anymore, Scarf

Scarf, I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I know we’ve been together for a few months now – and it’s been a great winter – but I really think it’s best if we part … Continue reading

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