Are you kidding me, God? You call this a sunrise? You’re telling me that I woke up at 5 a.m. and hiked all the way up that mountain trail for this? Well, if I’d known my eyes were going to be defiled by this abomination of oranges and yellows you are so half-heartedly trying to pass off as a sunrise, then I just would have stayed in bed.
Seriously, God, this is the worst sunrise I have ever seen. I mean, the uninspired colors emitting from that big celestial fireball in the sky are BARELY even dancing off the wide-open body of water positioned just below it.
And, God, don’t you DARE try to blame this one on the ocean – because the ocean is doing its job. The water is calm as can be. There’s a lovely low fog rolling in. And the water is as blue as can be.
And yet, you still managed to screw it all up by handing in this abortion of blandness you call a sunrise. I mean, seriously, God – where are the dolphins? I have been watching this sunrise for a good 10 minutes, and not once have I seen even one pair of dolphins lazily arc out of the water so that their silhouettes are majestically transposed in front of this bright orange sun.
Really, God? No dolphins? Rookie mistake.
Also, the location of the sun is all wrong. I mean, here I am sitting directly between two mountainous cliff faces. Naturally, I assumed that the sun would emerge directly between them, perfectly framed by the natural rocky beauty of Mother Earth. But no, apparently that was too much to ask from you, because instead you’ve decided to awkwardly place the sun way off to the left. In such a way, I might add, that much of the sun’s glowing rays are pathetically obscured by the cliff face.
It’s called composition, okay God? Why don’t you go back to kindergarten art class and learn about it?
Also, where are the clouds, God? Tell me, where are the clouds? Everyone knows that the glorious colors of a sunrise mix perfectly with pure white morning clouds to create a kaleidoscope of pinks, reds and oranges! So tell me, were you just too lazy to include the clouds today, or did you forget them back in heaven? Because everyone knows that any half-decent sunrise is going to include a cloud or two!
No clouds? Seriously, I’ve seen better sunrises on Sunny Delight juice cartons for Christ’s sake!
Also, God, where’s the lone tree in the foreground of this sunrise? You know, the one that’s supposed to be off in the lower corner, perfectly outlined in black? That tree is supposed to serve as a symbolic reminder that this world of ours is incredibly fragile and insignificant in relation to the sheer vastness of the entire universe! So tell me, how am I supposed to have any sort of profound emotional response to a sunrise that doesn’t have a lone tree silhouetted in the foreground!?
Have you ever opened an issue of National Geographic? I doubt it. Because if you had, you would have seen what a REAL sunrise should look like.
Okay, God, that’s it. I’ve had enough of this amateur hour. I’m going to climb back down this mountain you so haphazardly placed here and go back to my cabin and close my self off from your uninspiring universe for the rest of the day by reading a book. Have you ever read The Sun Also Rises? You probably shouldn’t. The sheer beauty of that book would probably make you cry with jealousy.
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:
- An Interview With God
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- How To Find Your Spirit Animal