DISPATCH: 911. What is your emergency?
DAVE: Oh my god! My wife…please hurry. My wife is unconscious!
DISPATCH: OK, sir. I need you to calm down. What’s going on?
DAVE: Umm – ok. My wife…we went to sleep like eight hours ago. I woke up, got dressed, ate breakfast, and when I came back she…she was still there! Sleeping. Like a baby! She was supposed to be up 30 minutes ago!
DAVE: Unconscious, asleep – what’s the difference? Just help me!
DISPATCH: Okay sir, if your wife is just asleep, that’s not really a 911 emerg-
DAVE: We’re supposed to meet our friend at the botanical gardens in 20 minutes!
DISPATCH: What? No! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? I’m dispatching an emergency response team to your address right now. Now I need you to check something – take your hand and place it under your wife’s mouth.
DISPATCH: Now Dave. Feel carefully. Is she…is your wife’s mouth dry?
DAVE: (pause) No! Oh my God no! No she’s not dry! There’s drool. She’s drooling everywhere! Oh God! It’s all over my hand!
DISPATCH: Okay, sir. I’m going to be honest with you. Your wife is asleep…she’s asleep real bad. But if you listen to me everything will be okay.
DAVE: I’m going to be late for the botanical gardens, aren’t I?
DISPATCH: Not if I can help it. Now tell me, did you – when you were getting ready did you try walking around and making a lot of noise in the hopes that it would wake her up?
DAVE: Yes! Yes of course I tried that. It was the first thing I tried. And when it didn’t work I called you.
DISPATCH: Okay, fine. No problem. Let’s try something else. You’re her husband, right? Why not stroke her hair while whispering her name a bunch of times? Tell her it’s time to get up.
DAVE: Okay. Okay, I’ll try it.
DAVE: Snookums, it’s time to wake up. Come on snookie. We’ve got a big day. Come on- No. Damn it – she shooed me. She shooed me away! It’s not working. What the – (inaudible)
DISPATCH: Okay sir, I need you to calm down.
DAVE: Augh – 15 minutes! We only have 15 minutes. Even if she just pulls her hair back into a ponytail…I’m just gonna shake her. That’s it, I’m just gonna shake her until she wakes up.
DISPATCH: No sir! Listen to me – never, ever shake a lady!
DAVE: But it will work!
DISPATCH: Don’t touch her! That type of abrupt wake-up call is dangerous! Shake her, and she’ll wake up angry. Do you really want your wife to be cranky all day?
DAVE: What? No, it would ruin the botanical gardens!
DISPATCH: Exactly. You’ve got to find another way. Does your wife have an alarm clock?
DAVE: Yes. But she didn’t set it.
DISPATCH: OK, well why don’t you set it now and see if that works?
DAVE: OK. Yeah. That’ll work. It has to. (Pause)
(Muffled buzzing sound) (Silence)
DAVE: She hit snooze!! God, no! Snooze! She hit snooze. Help – oh my God please help!.
DISPATCH: Calm down, sir. It’s fine. It’s fine. We’ll just wait another 9 minutes for the-
DAVE: I don’t have 9 minutes! The botanical gardens are across town. Plus, I’ve got to worry about parking, unless I valet, but then I’ll have to stop at the ATM so I can tip the attendant. Oh God! I’m going to be late! I’m going to be late (sobbing).
DISPATCH: Ok sir, relax. The emergency team should be there shortly.
DAVE: Oh, wait…that’s them. They’re here. Thank god! Come in. Please help!
DISPATCH: Good. These men are trained professionals! Now do they have the roosters?
DAVE: Yes. Yes, they have the roosters!
(Rooster squawks in background)
DAVE: It’s working! The rooster sees the sun! Cock-a-doodle-do! Yes, rooster! Yes! Cock-a-doodle-do. Cock-a-doodle-do indeed! (muffled cries) Oh, honey – thank God! She’s awake. Thank you so much! She’s really awake!
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