Dear Kim Jong-il,
Hi! How is everything going in the secret underground nuclear testing facility? Good, I hope – have you been wearing that lead vest I made you? Anyway, I don’t mean to interrupt your plans for world domination or anything, but I just wanted to give you a quick house-sitting update.
Here are the highlights from this week:
- That cease and desist letter from the European Union finally came yesterday (it’s pretty funny, I’m sure you’ll get a good laugh out of it)
- The exterminators came today (no termites)
- I fixed the Internet (cord was unplugged)
Yeah, so pretty much all good news on my end. However, while I’ve got you, I just wanted to ask you a quick question: those antiques Ming vases you’ve got on display in the living room weren’t priceless were they?
I only ask because I may or may not have broken one or two of the ones given to you by President Mao Zedong back when he was the communist leader of China.
Now before you get mad, let me just say that it wasn’t my fault. First off, you’ve got those vases placed on those really tall, narrow platforms in the middle of the room. That’s a little hazardous, don’t you think? I mean, did you not think that someone might want to teach himself how to do handstands and karate moves in that room at some point? It’s a living room for goodness sake!
While we’re on the subject of bad news – you know that basketball with Michael Jordan’s autograph that Madeleine Albright gave you? Yeah, it’s ruined. You see, I was using it to do slam dunks off of the trampoline (super fun by the way), when the delivery guy showed up with my Korean BBQ. So I ran inside and left the ball out all weekend in the rain and the autograph wore off. It’s okay, though, because I yelled at the delivery guy for his mistake (showing up at the wrong time) and I have his name and address if you want to torture him or something.
Speaking of Korean BBQ, I got barbeque sauce all over your father’s childhood teddy bear. I know it’s one of the last personal items you have from him, which is why I was hesitant to take it out of the display case and use it as a napkin. But there weren’t any other options in your bedroom, and I really didn’t want to get out of bed to wash up.
Don’t worry though, because I washed the bear and the stains came out. I think your washing machine must be broken though, because the bear kind of disintegrated in the wash.
Also, your dogs are dead (aren’t those things supposed to bark when they get hungry)?
So yeah, really looking forward to seeing you when you come back for your birthday next week. I’ll be sure to oversee the setup and make sure nothing goes wrong! Good luck with the nuclear testing and see you soon.
Your Son, Kim Jong Un
P.S. I ate that cake with all the candles on it that was in the refrigerator. You didn’t need it for anything, right?
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