Stop Showing Off, Nature

Okay nature, we get it. You’re beautiful. Congratulations. Now get over yourself. Because honestly, it’s starting to get a little old. All those dense, wooded forests? Shimmering dew-dropped meadows? Romantic, picturesque sunsets? Please. The whole thing smacks of desperation.

Seriously, has anyone ever told you that modesty is a virtue? How about leaving a little bit of it up to our imaginations, huh? You know, maybe try keeping those big, majestic mountains tucked away below the earth’s crust once in awhile? I think you’ll find that a little mystery goes a long way, sister.

Show off!

Get over yourself.

I’m not asking for much. Like for example, instead of covering all those rolling hillsides with brilliant yellow daffodils as far as the eye can see, how about just leaving them covered in deep trenches of snow for awhile? And I’m not talking a peaceful blanket of perfect white snow, either. I’m talking brown, muddy sludge. You know, the kind that accumulates on the side of the road after a snowstorm. That kind.

Or better yet, skip the snow. Dirt. What’s so wrong with good old-fashioned, ordinary dirt? No, it’s not as colorful as a field of bluebonnets. Or as roll-downable as a field of soft, St. Augustine grass. But guess what? It gets the job done. That hill’s got to be covered in something. Why not dirt? That’s all I’m saying.

Now, is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. So come on, do us all a favor and stop showing off, okay? I swear, you’re like the Alex Rodriguez of biological phenomena.

And what is up with all this diverse wildlife? Thousands of unique species? Come on, do we really need that many? I need cows to eat and cats to pet – THAT’S IT! The rest is just icing on the cake. So come on, tone it down will ya?

AND RAINFORESTS!? More than 50 percent of all plants and animals crammed into less than 2 percent of earth’s livable ecosytems? Come on, now you’re just trying too hard.

Oh, and evolution. I bet you think you’re pretty smart, don’t you? Figuring out how to assemble millions and millions of microscopic cells into me, a higher lifeform with enough intelligence to have self-awareness. Pfft. Big deal. I could do that if I wanted to.

Do you want a medal? Is that it? Because if that’s what it’s gonna take, so be it. Nature, in honor of your supreme awesomeness and unfathomable beauty, I hereby bestow upon you the Big Fucking Deal Award for being the Most Beautiful and Amazing Thing On Earth.

There. Is that what you wanted to hear? Good. I’m glad. Now do us all a favor and CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!

Because if I see one more rainbow in the mist of a secluded waterfall, or a solitary elk eating grass in an open field at dusk, I think I’m gonna lose it.

——

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19 Responses to Stop Showing Off, Nature

  1. ela says:

    I like that photo

  2. Great picture and good humor, keep up the good work.

  3. givenchance says:

    photo is beautiful! and i definitely liked the idea to write this post as if it was the address to Nature! Great idea! but i doubt if it hears us. After all those facts which we did with nature I would hardly believe taht it is interested in our mind at all.

  4. Steven Harris says:

    Quite right. Nature needs to cover herself up a bit more, regain an erotic shimmer instead of laying it all out there for everyone to see like some planetary pornstar.
    http://doctorbeatnik.wordpress.com/

  5. blootick says:

    Keep showing us all the nature we can bare! as long as it is current-up to date.There is nothing good about showing what was there years ago because it is there no more.Some people out there can only experience the beauty through a picture.I had the pleasure of seeing fish and game first hand while living in Oregon and wish everyone could see the same.As of 2012 we will not have to worry anymore as our planet will have made some serious changes so make your peace with loved ones and all that kinda shit.Good luck and enjoy life now while it is there.

  6. nancy says:

    sounds like nature’s so oh beautiful it hurts…

  7. Gloris Young says:

    I’m sure God thanks you for the compliment. “Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, [and] there is nothing too hard for thee…” Jeremiah 32:17

    http://www.gloriadelia.wordpress.com

  8. Terry says:

    This was hilarious ! People at work are wondering what I’m doing.

  9. Mike Warman says:

    The photo looks like Mitre Peak in Milford Sound, New Zealand, right?

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