Monthly Archives: October 2009

Where Are All the Hideous Swamp Monsters When You Need Them?

Swamp monsters. They sure do have terrible timing, right ladies? I mean, one second, I’m in the backseat of a 1965 AMC Rambler having a steamy make-out sesh with my dreamy boyfriend, the next I’m being dragged kicking and screaming … Continue reading

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Your Time Travel Device Does Not Impress Me

Gentleman of the engineering department, I applaud all the hard work and long hours you’ve put into building this time travel device. After 14 long months, BioInnoGenFutureAdvanTech Inc. (BIGFAT), has succeeded in our mission to build the first viable, in-home … Continue reading

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How to Become a Princess

It’s every little girl’s dream (also mine) to one day become a princess. And why not? As princess, you would have the cushiest job in the world. We’re talking living in a sweet castle, wearing pretty ball gowns all the … Continue reading

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I’m Afraid You’re Going to Have to Pay Full Price, Jesus

Look, don’t get me wrong. It’s an honor to have you in my line, Jesus. I mean, here I am standing face to face with Jesus of Nazareth – my freaking Lord and Savior! It truly is an honor to … Continue reading

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Can I Ride On the Back of Your Harley, Mr. Hell’s Angel?

Oh wow, that is quite a Harley you’ve got there, Mr. Hell’s Angel. You know, I’ve always been drawn to hogs. I’d probably have one myself, but my wife won’t let me have one. But hey, don’t let that make … Continue reading

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How To Sneak Up On A Blind Person

Sneaking up on people is just about the funnest thing you can do in this world. And whether you’re sneaking up on people just to scare them, or so you can put them in a headlock and steal their purse, … Continue reading

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I Thought I Told You Kids to Put That Fire Out

Jeremy! Madison! What is this fire still doing here? I told you to put this thing out 45 minutes ago! And instead, here I find you holed up in your room playing Monopoly? I told you no board games until … Continue reading

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