Hey Dr. Awful, could you stop working on that disintegration ray for a second? I need to talk to you. You see. I just came from feeding Mr. Mittens and, well, I couldn’t help but notice that he looked a little different. And by different, I mean he’s MISSING HIS ENTIRE BODY!
That’s right! His body is gone! I shook the cat food bag, expecting to hear the familiar patter of Mr. Mittens’ cute, adorable paws clacking against the tile kitchen floor. But instead, in FLOATS this creepy freaking cat head that was completely devoid of a tail, feet and torso!!
I’m just going to have to come out and say it: did you turn my cat into a floating head of destruction?
NO, HE HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT! What do you think I am, an idiot? I think I would remember if my precious kitty was nothing more than a floating head. In fact, if you recall, I named him Mr. Mittens because he had a black body and white paws. WHITE PAWS that looked like mittens! Four cute, adorable mittens.
And now that name doesn’t even make sense! People are going to come over, and see this floating head, and ask me, “Why did you name him Mr. Mittens?” Oh boy, it sure is gonna be fun explaining THAT over and over again. Thanks a lot, Dr. Awful.
Now I see how you got your name.
You know, when we became roommates, I thought it would be cool living with an evil genius, but now, I’m not so sure. First, you tried to harvest my girlfriend’s organs for that zombie monster you were building, and now this?
Better? You think you’ve made Mr. Mittens BETTER!? I don’t see how. All the cutest things kitty cats do require legs and paws – from batting at a ball of yarn to stretching after a long kitty nap. And the baths! Oh God, the baths! I…I’ll never see Mr. Mittens lick his paw and rub it over his ears to make them clean!!
For God sakes, THAT’S THE BEST PART OF THE KITTY BATH!!
I can’t believe you would just go and sever my cat’s head from its body like that; without even asking! Seriously? And then you go and make it so he can shoot laser beams out of his eyes? WHAT IS THAT ABOUT!?
You should see the kitchen…or what’s left of it at least. When I wouldn’t turn the faucet on so Mr. Mittens could drink straight from the tap, he went flipping nuts!
You owe me a new breakfast nook.
What’s that? I should be thanking you? Mr. Mittens will protect us from the horde of rabid floating dog heads when they invade from outer space? They’re coming to steal all the world’s fire hydrants, you say? Also, they want to eat our crab grass so they can barf it all back up?
Oh please, that’s ridiculous! Which is why I took all those declarative statements you just said to me, turned them into questions, and repeated them back to you. I just wanted to make sure I heard you correctly!
Floating dog heads from space –bull honkey! And even if it were true, SO WHAT? People hate crab grass! Let those crazy dogs have it! Big flipping deal!
Wait…what did you just say? No kitty body means no kitty poop?
Well, I hadn’t thought of that. No more litter? No more “presents” left for me in the middle of the floor? Well, I suppose a floating cat head isn’t ALL bad.
Alright Dr. Awful, you’re off the hook this time, but next time do me a favor and ask before you turn something of mine into a flipping floating head, okay? Good luck with that disintegration ray – I hope it ends up melting skin real good. And I mean that.
Okay, well I’m going to go dangle a piece of string in front of Mr. Mittens’ face and see if he plays with it. Later!
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:
- Dos and Don’ts for a Centaur’s Birthday Party
- My Father, The Zombie
- How To Start An Impromptu Sing-Along In Public