Pros and Cons of Having Chainsaws for Arms

At first glance, having chainsaws for arms might seem like nothing but awesome. I mean, having two giant chainsaws surgically implanted in place of your boring old God-given appendages? How cool is that?

chainsaw armsBut as one of the few who has undergone this new form of elective surgery, I can now say that there are numerous downsides that I failed to consider prior to undergoing the procedure.

Of course, there are plenty of benefits. Just as women feel more confident walking around with breast implants, so too do I feel more empowered with two, rusty STIHL chainsaws welded to my shoulders – and I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything in the world. Other benefits of having chainsaws for arms include:

  • No one picks on me anymore
  • Can cut down a tree in no time
  • No such thing as a “locked” door
  • Look great in a tank top
  • Can always find my way out of a garden maze
  • No more inconvenient fingernail clipping
  • Never having to buy a Halloween costume again (saves $$$)

Still, as this fad continues to skyrocket in popularity, I would consider it a grave injustice to others if I were not to point out the few downsides that I have experienced while having chainsaws for arms. For example, on a rare occasion, I find it would be slightly more practical to just have a normal, boring-old pair of arms. Like right now for instance – sure those old fingers of mine may have been super lame and uncool, but they sure were good for typing on a computer. Also, I have trouble eating soup.

After I sliced through my first dozen keyboards, I resigned myself to typing via a pencil in the mouth. Needless to say, my average WPM has declined considerably.

You’d think I would have thought about such a downside, given the fact that I used to earn a living as a courtroom stenographer. But alas, I was blinded by the sheer awesomeness of having chainsaws for hands. Don’t cry for me though, because I’ve found a great job as a fish decapitator down at the local cannery – so yeah, I pretty much landed on my feet.

Another downside that you probably haven’t thought of, is all the gas fumes. When you’ve got two chainsaw arms buzzing on either side of your head at all hours of the day, you’re going to inhale a lot noxious fumes. And sometimes, sure, you will pass out (it’s inevitable).

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, I’m a big guy. I can handle a few moments of unconsciousness here and there.” That’s what I thought too, but remember, you’re going to have chainsaws for arms. And when you pass out around a couple of chainsaws, you’re going to lose the occasional nose or foot (it’s inevitable).

And sure, you could just replace that foot or nose with another chainsaw, but where’s all that money for the operation going to come from? The cannery doesn’t pay THAT well.

Maybe you are thinking that you could just turn the chainsaws off when you start feeling woozy. First of all: no arms. So good luck with that. Second of all, WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING CHAINSAWS FOR ARMS IF THE CHAINSAWS AREN’T EVEN TURNED ON!!

Also, sure, I’m getting tons of attention from the ladies now that I have chainsaws for arms. But even when the date goes remarkably well, as soon as you go in to give her a hug goodnight…BAM she’s sliced in two and you’re back behind the computer trolling through eHarmony with a pencil in your mouth.

And it’s not just typing or dating that is hard to do with chainsaws. I also have difficulty driving, shopping, bathing, controlling my iPod, entering a bank, getting a palm reading, and doing pretty much anything else that you can think of (that doesn’t involve cutting or slicing).

So yeah, all things said and done, I’m still happy to have chainsaws for hands. I’m just saying, think about ALL the pros and cons before you commit to this truly life-changing (and awesome) procedure.

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

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65 Responses to Pros and Cons of Having Chainsaws for Arms

  1. bobbygee says:

    How about eating or taking ashower? This would be very difficult. How about watching TV? This is hoot. I like the wit. How aboout going to thr bathroom to you know? Kinda hard Just a few thoughts.
    http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

  2. jdwebdesigns says:

    I came across this completely by accident. The title alone caught my attention, but the content is what kept me reading. I laughed out loud sitting in my office and one co-worker had to come over and see what I was reading. We both got a good laugh out of this for sure. Thanks for the smile for the day!

  3. Jenny says:

    This is pretty fantastic. I’ve always really wondered what life would be like with chainsaws for arms. After reading all of the pros and cons though, I think I will delay the operation.

  4. justaminutenow says:

    I like your humor and black-comedy satire. Great fun!

  5. alyceazarola says:

    Who has it worse then, you or Edward Scissorhands? XD

  6. tenaji says:

    Oh my goodness, this is too funny. I love the pros and cons. I don’t think I’m going to get my arms changed to chainsaws anytime soon, thanks to you. 🙂

  7. rebuilttranny says:

    Yeah, I’m jealous. It’s not easy to admit but I am.

  8. inkarnet says:

    ROFL holy crap that was funny

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  10. autumnincolors says:

    Hilarious!

  11. wordbloom says:

    While this analysis is, indeed informative, it fails to consider the right to bear chainsaw arms.

  12. Pingback: Pros and cons of chainsaws for arms « basketcase_abroad

  13. Arkay says:

    all i kept looking for throughout was a reference to pooping, but alas, that sort of humour now seems beneath this wonderful post *grin*. And due to your insightful and deeply personal anecdotes, i think i will start with just replacing ONE arm, and see how that goes 😉

  14. naby33 says:

    that was hilarious. i loved the matter of fact way u explained your routines and pros and cons lol

  15. sylarius says:

    It`s just like in Sam Raimi’s old movies, Evil Dead =)

  16. pitocoviajante says:

    Why to cut off trees?! people should respect them, we can’t live without them, what’s the problem with preserving nature?

  17. rae says:

    Brillant!!Bloody brillant. As a fellow “enhanced” human. I applaud your honnesty about the possible repercutions of replacing, or as i like to refer to it upgrading body parts. The dangers are real but the benefits can be overwhelming. For example you will get preferential treatment at the airport, your very own security line!

  18. selenejamall says:

    you are brilliant and i thank you for writing this

  19. Klarien says:

    in honor of a crap movie:

    you’d also be able to kill the undead, chainsaw massacre style like Army of Darkness III- of course that was just one…

  20. gazetna says:

    close the week on a fun note: pleated jean’s Pros and Cons of Having Chainsaws for Arms

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  22. dmak...dharmesh says:

    chainsaw is a good equipments but Plant More TREES Before Cutting them down …. one needs to Grow more trees than cutting them down…

  23. marisi hutabarat says:

    its a surprise for me to see a girl handling a chain saw. never see in mycountry Indonesia a girl use it. What country she alive and what is she doing with it.it is afantastyc scenery for me, thank you.

  24. Kevin says:

    Bring on the cast for SAW VI I’d say! We’ll start with her as one of the mains.

  25. argentandsable says:

    Nice! Surely it costs a fortune in fuel?

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  27. theliontamer says:

    can you do another article with a price list & recommendations where to get the procedure done. for me the benefits outweigh the negative but i don’t have much money, so i’m looking for a budget option

  28. beautygrind says:

    the title caught my eye. hilarious!!!!!!

  29. molleereitz says:

    This is hilarious! I guess I’ll put off chainsaws for arms for a couple more years…

  30. dementia says:

    how do you pick your nose?

  31. What if you make it past that first date? What about “finger blasting”?

  32. jennyfromthebloc says:

    yes, yes, and yes.

  33. aupamexi says:

    funny stuff….

  34. insulargirl says:

    I think I love this blog post…awesome! x

  35. Michael says:

    Unfortunately I only had enough $$ for the hacksaw option, though I guess the upside is I don’t have those fumes to worry about.

  36. Sciatan says:

    Perhaps just a single chainsaw arm would have sufficed?

  37. Eric Brown says:

    i too have undergone this elective surgery.

    something that i find very difficult ( you must be a pro at this, you never listed have this as a con )

    but having chainsaws for arms greatly inhibits me from putting on t shirts with ease. Many of the them become dish rags in mere seconds. Do you have any advice as to how i can put my clothes on easier?

    thanks . :]

  38. inchoative says:

    Haha…good one dementia.

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  40. movies247 says:

    hahaha cool pic and blog
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  41. thinkingprocess says:

    You made my day!

  42. lulukieran says:

    this post, sir, is an insult to the portion of the human population who, like me, were BORN with chainsaws for arms. i am upset and offended that you would make light of a phenomenon which for some is not the result of elective surgery but which was thrust on us by, I don’t know, the gods or somebody.

  43. They’re chainsaw hands, not arms. Chainsaw arms wouldn’t allow for much mobility since you’d have no elbows. One chainsaw hand is awesomeness defined, but two is just plain stupid.

  44. Stephanie says:

    I would imagine that the popularity from having chainsaws for arms would bring you sudden wealth. With this new cash on hand you can afford to have those lovely ladies (or boys – whichever you swing) fanning you, feeding you grapes, and WD40-ing your appendages.
    Win?

  45. Pingback: The pros and cons of having chainsaws for arms « Yo, what's kicking?

  46. dustus says:

    The whole time I’m thinking… wow that’s awesome-but it would be a fate worse than death to try to take a pee.
    Thanks.
    Adam
    http://dustus.wordpress.com

  47. millerc360 says:

    Awesome!!

  48. Joana says:

    You coud start a band with Edward Scissor-hands! And you two could also reinvent Rock-Scissor-Paper!

  49. nobodylikesmycookies says:

    Made me smile. very unique topic, ill be talking about this for a while. Nice job

  50. Irene Suwarno says:

    I can’t imagine having chainsaws for arms. Once you raise your hands you could hurt someone or even yourself 😦

  51. Irene Suwarno says:

    You look cool with your chainsawed arms in the picture! 🙂

  52. queenluna says:

    I’ve got to admit, that was the best. I love your sense of humor. It made me laugh! And, yes, the whole hugging part on a date would be extremely awkward…what would you tell the police? “I just wanted to be loved”. Anyway, it was awesome.

  53. EcoGirl says:

    How do you clean you genitals???OUCH

  54. Brilliantly written comedy. Having trouble eating soup made me laugh the hardest. Also enjoy the fact that with your new chainsaw arms you have decided to dress appropriately in a bunny suit!

  55. Saw the title… had to read it…. funny!

    Wendy
    http://ramblesandraves.wordpress.com

  56. Merly says:

    there are so many other jobs other than cutting down trees, how about helping with the recycling at your local council.

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