New Cult Member FAQs

When do I get to meet Leader Tim?

Only those who exude a rich aura of unquestionable divinity will be deemed worthy of a meeting with the great Leader Tim. So far, Leader Tim is the only one known to be able to sense such an aura, but we are told it is a yellowish green color. As such, if you find yourself perpetually bathed in such a light, then this probably good news. Historically, females have had to wait anywhere from one hour to several months before Leader Tim requests a meeting. Males may never be granted a meeting.

Where are all my things?

They have been sold to fund the Timlothian cause (praise Tim). If, Tim forbid, any items have been deemed not sellable (photographs, keepsakes, beanie babies, etc.), well, then they were probably lost in the move. No worries though, your regulation neck cone and smock (one size fits all) are the only possessions you will need from now on.

How do I attach my neck cone?

Simple. Place the center of the unrolled plastic at the nape of your neck. Pull both edges of the sheeting forward around your neck so that the right and left edges of the cone overlap. Align the snaps located on the right edge of the cone over the holes on the left edge and snap into place. For your comfort, various left-hole alignments are available to aid in creating a snug fit.

My neck cone makes it difficult to eat. Am I missing something?

I am afraid not. Unfortunately, cumbersome eating is a necessary side effect of the neck cone. Specialized elongated spoons are provided at each meal, but otherwise you will just have to deal. Unless, of course, you’d rather delay the amplification process and postpone ultimate enlightenment for everyone. Then, by all means, remove your neck cone during mealtime (kidding! – NEVER REMOVE YOUR NECK CONE FOR ANY REASON).

What am I building?

A personal relationship with the physical earth form of Leader Tim and, Tim willing, the opportunity to live in peace on the planet of Timlothia for all of eternity.

No, I mean why are 12 hours of my day spent hauling 100-lb. sacks of bricks up to the peak of Mt. Peaceful?

Oh, that. You are helping to build the world’s first Tim-servatory. When complete, the Tim-servatory will magnify Leader Tim’s divine celestial antenna a hundred fold, allowing Him to tune in and collect the necessary Timsickles for transport to Timlothia.

Is the Pharaoh-themed master bedroom with built-in Jacuzzi and waterbed a necessary component of the Tim-servatory?

It is.

Tell me more about these Timsickles.

That’s not technically a question, but okay. Timsickles are tiny specks of intergalactic dust. They are invisible fragments of atmosphere “dandruff” shed by Timlothia every one thousand years during the planet’s week-long molting period. By amplifying His divine celestial antenna (via Tim-servatory), Leader Tim will be able to “magnetically” draw Timsickles into our collection jar. Once collected, the Timsickles will be mixed with Sunny Delight and consumed, instantly transporting us to the glorious planet of Timlothia (praise Tim)!

Why Sunny Delight?

Because it is fortified with electrolytes. Also, it tastes better than the purple stuff.

I am starting to miss my family. What do I do?

Your 10-minute rest period has expired. Please visit the brain re-strengthening booth for a brief refresher course before returning to work. Good day and all hail Leader Tim!

——

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