Left-Handed FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

What percentage of people are left-handed?

Somewhere around 10 percent of the total population, making left-handers one of the smallest minority groups in America.

An anti left-handed political cartoon, circa 1890

An anti left-handed political cartoon, circa 1890

And though great strides have been made towards left-handed equality (we are no longer burned at the stake for witchery) and petitions are being circulated, it is clear lefties still face much oppression as they attempt to live in the “right man’s world.” African-Americans overcame slavery. Women overcame the vote. And one day, I am hopeful, us lefties will overcome those notebooks with the spirals on the wrong side that get in the way when we’re writing.

What should I call a left-handed person?

Friend springs to mind, though nicknames such as lefty and southpaw are probably more what you had in mind. Plenty of other, less common names have been used to describe left-handers throughout the ages, including:

Leftus Metacarpus
Sinistral
Cutty Wifter
Golly Handed
Devil’s Clutch
Ol’ Opposite Fin
Benevolent Master
Sinister Jeff

Will You List Some Famous Left-Handers?

NO!

Are left-handers more creative than right-handers?

A lot of people seem to claim this, but I don’t buy it. Why? Because if it were true, I’d be able to come up with a clever punch line for that setup.

I once heard Richard Nixon say that all lefties are “lazy and good for nothing.” Is he right?

No, he is not right. Left is right! Ha! Okay, sorry, just a little joke for all my Sinister Jeffs out there. Seriously though, this is a stereotype that has arisen largely due to the lack of left-handed equipment made available by employers. For example, I used to work as a chef, but was fired because the kitchen only had right-handed knives, which resulted in a slower chopping speed when compared to my fellow broccoli chefs. Of course, my boss avoided a discrimination lawsuit by claiming I was fired because I took a dump in the cream sauce (which I did, but come on, that’s just funny).

Are left-handers smarter than right-handers?

Oh, you right-handers and your insecurities. Only you would feel the need to ask such a ridiculous question. Obviously, the answer is yes.

4 out of the last 5 presidents were left-handed. Is this part of a vast left-handed conspiracy to overthrow the United States government, forcibly remove all righties from their homes and ship them to Oklahoma so that lefties can turn the remaining 49 “clean” states into a lefty-friendly Utopia known as Leftsylvania?

No. Of course not. That’s absurd. Who told you that? Was it Jeremy? Because you can’t believe a word that guy says. He’s a liar, plain and simple. Besides, even if we were somehow able to acquire the 300,000 shipping containers needed to ship EVERY SINGLE right-hander to Oklahoma, there’d be no way to get them all there efficiently without a massive improvement to railway infrastructure across the entire southwestern region of the United States. Ha! Yeah, so unless you can answer that little logistics problem, I don’t want to hear from you.

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6 Responses to Left-Handed FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

  1. Allison says:

    Sinister Jeff. I love it!!

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