Dr. Skeletron, Will You Hang Out With Me At School?

Dear Dr. Skeletron,

Hi. My name is Jimmy Ogden and I am currently in the fifth grade. I know you are a busy guy and all, given that you are an evil supervillain sent from the depths of hell to bring about the next great global apocalypse. However, I was wondering if you could find it in your black, shriveled heart to spare some of your free time to use those levitation boots of yours to shoot on over to Rhodes Middle School in central Connecticut to be my friend.

You see, much like you, I am an outcast. Except, whereas you are disliked because you murder everyone in your path and leave a river of blood wherever you travel, I am disliked because I am good at math and have to wear prescription shoes.

So, as I see it, we are cut from the same cloth. Which is why I was wondering if you could be my friend and protect me from being picked on during school.

You wouldn’t even have to shoot poisonous needles from your Slaughter Gun if you didn’t want to. I really think you just being there, sitting next to me on the school bus or standing behind me in the school lunch line would be enough to keep the bullies away (although, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be a little disappointed if you didn’t use your Laser Stare to disintegrate at least one skull).

You know how you hunger to feed off the severed heads and crushed bones of your fallen innocent victims? Well I feel a similar hunger every time Rick Barton steals my lunch at school. Which is why I think we would make great friends.

Also, your name indicates that you are a doctor. As such, I can conclude that we both share a passion for scholarly pursuits. Except, whereas you have a PhD in Kicking Ass, I hope to one day have a PhD in Juridical Science.

Listen, my dad has been working with the Navy and Atomic Archer on a plan to send you back to the depths of hell from whence you came. First off, I can say that so far, they got nothing! You don’t have to worry about anything because they have no idea how to crack your impenetrable black demon armor.

Secondly, if you agree to be my friend, I will gladly provide you with any insider information I come across. My dad brings home top-secret documents and blueprints all the time. If you come over to my house for slumber parties or something, I’m sure you could get your hands on them once my dad goes to sleep.

Or, I could pay you in other means. Do you like Chinese paper throwing stars? Because I can make those. I know they’re no Electrocuting Death Chain, but they’re still fun to throw.

Anyway, I’m really tired of getting called names at school. So if you have any free time, I would really appreciate it if you dropped by one day to scare off all those stupid jerks at school. Thanks, and good luck with that toxic gas cloud that you’ve got spreading across Eastern Europe right now. I hope it kills everyone dead real good.

Thanks,

Jimmy

P.S. How’s the new Volcano Lair? Are you all moved in and unpacked yet?

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Tourist Brochure for Tranquility Farms Hippie Commune

Are you sick of commercialized vacation tourist traps that promote fascist consumerism and are funded by faceless corporations? Then skip that ski trip to Vail and dump that day trip to Disneyland – Tranquility Farms Hippie Commune is your oasis to peace and harmony.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live like a hippie, then here’s you’re opportunity to let your free spirit fly! Tranquility Farms Hippie Commune is a 100-percent authentic 1960s hippie commune (complete with REAL hippies).

Immerse yourself in the simple, laid-back philosophy of the hippie. Enjoy such exciting attractions as:

• Basket weaving
• Sleeping in hammocks
• Harvesting crops
• Not showering
• Sitting in a field all day
• Riding on horses naked
• Having anonymous sex
• Mushrooms. Mushrooms! MUSHROOMS!!

Now, I know what you’re thinking – all those mushrooms sound expensive. But that’s simply not true. Unlike our competitors, who have used filthy corporate investments to fund such “fun” attractions as roller coasters, water slides and world-class dining, Tranquility Farms has invested absolutely ZERO dollars into our vacation destination!

With no big corporations reaching into our wallets, we can pass the savings on to you. Do you have one BIG HUG and the ability to send positive brain thoughts to your fellow man? Then that’s good enough for us, because when it comes to visiting Tranquility Farms, our motto is: all you need is love.*

Tranquility Farms is conveniently located in an open ditch at the 73rd mile marker of Spur 1239. When you see the hole in the barbwire fence, you know you’re here (note: if you hit the day laborers campsite, then you’ve gone too far).

No matter what your age, Tranquility Farms invites you to take a trip back to a time of free love and terrible acoustic music! Our hippie commune is the perfect vacation destination for:

• Aging baby boomers desperately struggling to cling to their quickly fading youth
• 80s New Wavers, 90s Grunge Rockers and anyone else unfortunate enough not to grow up in the swinging 60s
• Centenarians who skipped the hippie fad, but are finally ready to see “what all the fuss was about”

So what are you waiting for? Come experience what it’s like to sit in the world’s largest mud pit! See an ACTUAL hippie bus (complete with bright-colored paint job and peace signs)! Learn what happens when kids aren’t disciplined or sent to school!!!

Visit Tranquility Farms today! Mention this ad, and receive a free “hippie” name and flower in your hair upon arrival.

*Tranquility Farms defines “love” as $45.00 USD

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Match.com Profile #13420: Two Wildcats Looking for Love

Hello, Drake here. I am a caring, sensitive guy looking for an easy-going lady to spend the rest of my life with. I am 33 years old, and though I am very grounded, my friends call me a “wildcat” at heart (which I guess would make me 165 in cat years – LOL).

So yeah, obviously I’m pretty hilarious and love to laugh.

As you can tell from my photo, I am a single father. Bradford is my 5-year-old little boy, and he is my world. We are a package deal (obvi), which means if you are not interested in caring for “young,” then please look elsewhere.

However, as you can see from his giant smile, Bradford is a joy to be around and really any girl would be lucky to have him in her life. Sometimes I just come home from a long day – all stressed out from the complications of life – to find Bradford batting at the fringe at the bottom of my window curtains. And it just puts everything in perspective, you know – GOD IS IN CONTROL! Relax and take pleasure in the simple things.

As you can probably also tell from Bradford’s smile, he is a special needs child (autistic). But he only has love in his heart, and you needn’t worry about him being difficult to care for. If you have keen motherly instincts and the ability to track and catch small prey, then you two should get along swimmingly.

Beyond a good rapport with Bradford, I am also looking for a partner to go “prowl” around with me at night. However, as much as I love late nights, I also enjoy “hunting” for the freshest fruit at farmer’s markets in Saturday mornings – so the ability to wake up bright eyed and bushy “tailed” is also a plus!

Now more about me: I own the Braided Belt Store on 5th and Figueroa. If you are unfamiliar with it, we offer the largest selection of leather braided belts in the country. Needless to say, the store is VERY successful.

In my free time, I enjoy pumping iron, watching Kansas State University basketball, and painting black spots all over my body. Also, Bradford and I could really use a third for our Sunday afternoon tea parties.

So what do you say? If you are an attractive, vivacious, agile female aged 24 to 35, let’s get together and make a family! Bradford and I are excited to meet you!

Don’t wait – “pounce” on this opportunity to bring two gentle wildcats into your life. I’ll be patiently checking my fake leather watch until you respond.

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10 Signs Your Roommate is a Serial Killer

1. Won’t let you anywhere near the locked trapdoor under his bed

2. Framed photos of himself are pixelated

3. Insists on writing grocery lists “ransom note” style

4. Hobbies include watching kids play at the park and digging at night

5. There’s a human head in the vegetable crisper

6. Chore wheel has you cleaning chainsaws every other week

7. “Help me!” messages written all over your bathroom mirror

8. Shrill, maniacal laugh keeps you up at night

9. Refuses to return Dexter DVDs to Netflix

10. For Halloween costume parties, shows up as himself

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How to Get Your Cat to Pitch in Around the House

Much like college friends and newborn babies, cats make terrible roommates. Sure, they’re fuzzy, adorable and occasionally haz cheezburger, but when it comes time to wash the dishes or pay the electric bill – WHAM! They retreat to their secret kitty hiding spot to wait out all the hard work.

Grab a mop, Butterscotch.

And what’s even worse? The fact that they re-emerge hours later with that unassuming look of indifference. Hey Mittens, how about a little appreciation? You could at least PRETEND like you “totally would have helped out” had you been around when we were cleaning.

Well if you’re sick of that freeloading cat sleeping in YOUR chair, eating all YOUR cat food and playing with YOUR colorful feathers attached to sticks, then it’s time to take action. Of course, you could just kick the cat out and let some other poor sap put up its unwillingness to get a job, but then who would you dress up in little hats to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling blue? As an alternative, here’s how to get your cat to stop being lazy and start pitching in around the house:

Cover Your Dirty Dishes in Cat Hair

If there’s one thing cats like to clean, it’s themselves. Take advantage of this vanity by collecting all your cat’s shedded fur. When it comes time to do a load of dishes, cover your plates with all that hair (tip: spaghetti sauce works as a natural adhesive). Then, dump all the dishes in your cat’s favorite sitting spot.

Eventually, your cat will come along and settle in for a nice, long bath. Thanks to the excess fur, that stupid cat won’t know where it’s body ends, and the housework begins! Before he knows it, he’s licked your plates clean and you’ve actually had a chance to sit down and watch your favorite television program for once. (note: put dishes away immediately to avoid re-dirtying due to hairballs).

Rub Your Things With Another Cat

Got a stack of antique silver teapots that have started to tarnish? Don’t give in like last time and polish your treasured keepsakes while your cat lays in the sunspot quietly judging you. Instead, use your cat’s natural inclination to mark its territory to get him to do it for you.

To do so, you’ll need the scent of another cat. Maybe you have an extra one lying around. If not, borrow a friend’s or walk outside and open a can of wet cat food (at least one cat will come running up to help you out).

Then, take said cat and rub it all over your prized silver. When your cat smells that imposter’s body funk all over that silver, he’ll go to town rubbing all over it. The combined rubbing action of both cats will work together to remove the tarnish, and you’ll be all set to trick future dinner guests into thinking you’re way fancier than you actually are.

Lock Your Cat in a Room With the Vacuum Cleaner

Have you ever thought to yourself, “if Sebastian just gave the vacuum cleaner a chance, those two would be friends forever?” Sure you have, and you know what? You’re absolutely right!

Cats rarely stick around long enough to give vacuum cleaners a chance to get to know them. Turn on the vacuum and you’ll find this out firsthand. But if you lock a cat and vacuum cleaner in a room together, they’ll have plenty of time to get acquainted. Wait long enough, and eventually you’ll open the door to find your cat pushing its new best friend around room (sucker: he thinks they’re dancing!!).

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FAQs About My Slumber Party

Okay guys, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my Thanksgiving Slumber Party that I am hosting. In order to clear up any confusion, here are some answers to the most frequently asked questions that I have received:

Do I Need to Bring Anything?

Every party needs a theme – mine is Thanksgiving. As such, please be prepared and bring a list of 20 things that you are thankful for. And guys, seriously, don’t just make it gay things like Xbox and Derek Jeter. I want real, meaningful things. Good examples include “the love of my parents” and “the smile my little sister gives me when I help her tie her shoes.” Also, bring a pillow and sleeping bag (prizes to the pillowcases that are most inspired by the theme of Thanksgiving!).

Is Your Thanksgiving Slumber Party Actually ON Thanksgiving?

No, of course not. That wouldn’t be very considerate of me, now would it? Thanksgiving is a truly special day that is meant to be enjoyed with your family. I would never dream of stealing that cherished moment away from you and your loved ones. Besides, I know I can’t compete with your mom’s pumpkin pie (LOL). Which is why the party is scheduled for the Saturday AFTER Thanksgiving.

What is the Itinerary?

Show up at 8. We’ll spend the first half hour opening and reading the Thanksgiving Day greeting cards that we got for each other. Then, we’ll drink hot cocoa and watch the wind blow against the trees in my yard while we sit in the kitchen and visit quietly. After that, we’ll break out the lists of things we’re grateful for and read them aloud. And for the rest of the night, we’ll treat ourselves to the simple pleasure of making Thanksgiving-inspired arts and crafts.

Will There be Googly Eyes for the Arts and Crafts?

Well, of course! How do you expect to make a handprint turkey without any googly eyes!? Come on, you’re offending my reputation as a party planner here! Not only will there be plenty of googly eyes (in three sizes btw), but we’ll also have plenty of construction paper, popsickle sticks and sparkly paint. So yeah, needless to say, you’ll be pretty set when it comes time to make your turkeys.

Can I Come?

No, Ricky Chalmers. For the last time, you cannot come. Your father has a hole in his heart and you need to spend some quality time with him before he goes in for his operation. I know you said the prognosis is good, but you never know what could happen.

What Snacks Will Be Served?

There’s been a lot of chatter going around the household about possibly pulling out the Stir-Crazy Popcorn Popper out of the attic. Now, I know the idea of munching on home-popped popcorn sounds like a dream come true (and you’re right, it is), but let’s not all go getting our hopes up. Word through the grapevine is that the popper is “all the way in back” of the attic, and stacked under several boxes of Christmas lights.

So really, our ability to eat popcorn is contingent on how my dad’s back is feeling that day. Now, I know it would be the pits if we couldn’t have that popcorn, but let’s not hound my dad about it, okay? His back hurts and we should respect that. Regardless, my mom is buying Pillsbury Crescent Rolls so we can unroll them and make our own pizzas. I said I wanted to order pizza, but she said this is better because you get to make it yourself and it’s cheaper. And you know what? SHE’S RIGHT!!!

Aren’t parents just the smartest!?

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Do These Tentacles Make My Butt Look Big?

Honey, now I know you’re going to think this is a loaded question, but I want you to be honest with me: do these tentacles make my butt look big?

Now, I don’t want you to just say, “yes” because you think it’s what I want to hear. Yes, it was my choice to move into a home that’s located right next to the nuclear power plant. And yes, it was also my choice to drink the glowing river of sludge that oozed into our backyard.

But just because I can’t turn back the clock and undo this genetic mutation, that doesn’t mean you should pander to my emotions. I really want to look good for my high school reunion tonight. So if I need to find a different outfit that better accentuates my long, billowy appendages, just go ahead and tell me right now.

You know, I originally thought these tentacles were a godsend? I can finally reach the top shelf in the kitchen without having to ask you for help or pulling over a chair. And thanks to the suction cups, I hardly ever slip and fall in the shower anymore. Also, the flexibility of these tentacles makes pulling shellfish and other prey out of narrow crevices super easy.

But then, when I look in the mirror, I wonder if it was all worth it. Do I miss my feet? No, not really. But I’ll tell you one thing – those rigid sticks of skin and bone sure were easy to squeeze into a size 4 pair of jeans.

And you know what else? These ink stains are just the worst! I used to think my period was bad – but Lord, at least that only came around once a month. But now, thanks to these mutations, every day feels like a heavy flow day! I swear, sometimes I feel like I’m just wearing diapers!

Oh great, now I’m feeling self-conscious. Maybe we should just skip the reunion and stay home. I can sit in the fish tank and we can watch the deep-sea episode of Planet Earth. Remember how much you laughed when I kept getting confused and batting at the screen every time a fertile male octopus swam across the screen? See, that’s what I love about you, dear. You’re not the jealous type.

Or…if you’re feeling frisky, you could slip your hectocotylus into my mantle cavity and fertilize my eggs with spermataphores. Doesn’t that just sound so romantic? Plus, you know how much I’ve been wanting to spawn a clutch of larval babies lately.

Oh, but I want to see my old friends. I haven’t seen Pattie in years. You know, she used to make so much fun of my nose? “Rita the Big-Nosed Reindeer,” she used to call me. Well, isn’t she just going to be so jealous when she sees this perfectly formed octopus beak of mine?

So forget it! Who cares if my butt looks big? I bet everybody else gained 50 lbs., anyway. So come on honey, let’s get cracking. Put some linseed oil on those bat wings of yours and let’s get out of here. I want to get there early – I hear they’re serving shrimp cocktail.

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I Don’t Mean To Brag, But I’m Super Aerodynamic

Valerie, I don’t mean to interject. You’re story about how your co-worker ate your lunch even though you clearly marked your name on the bag is simply enthralling. It’s just, I really want to tell you something:

I’m super aerodynamic.

Although, I’m sure you might have already guessed that, given the spandex speed suit that I’m wearing.

Again, sorry for interrupting your story. It’s just, at some point we’re going to get up from this table and leave, and I don’t want you to be alarmed by how AMAZINGLY FAST my body cuts through the air!

Also, I know how important the rapid flow of air over a man’s body is to a woman when she’s looking for a suitable life companion. So I just want to go ahead and “clear the air” from the get-go and let you know that I am probably the most aerodynamic (and therefore attractive) man you have ever met.

But of course, my ability to move fluidly through our earth’s atmosphere is only one part of my complete package. I have a very cushy job working for our great city’s government as a token dispenser for the subway. Thanks to my lightning-quick movements, I’m VERY successful at it.

When not working, I enjoy doing wind sprints, shaving all the hair from my body and reducing my drag coefficient – which is currently 0.20 by the way (better than a Toyota Prius!). Of course, I haven’t tested it in a few weeks, so I may have improved since then. We’ll find out when I take you to the Calspan Labs wind tunnel after our meal.

Man, isn’t this first date just going great!! I knew right away when you said that you loved going for long walks on the beach that we were going to hit it off. Because I can teach you how to maximize your forward momentum and decrease friction so those “long” walks become SUPER LIGHTNING QUICK!

What’s that? You have to go to the bathroom? OH GOOD! Here, I’ll lead you there and you can DRAFT BEHIND ME! You’ll get there and back in no time! If you like, I can even come into the stall with you and…

Alright fair enough. Go by yourself. But when we’re LATE for our appointment at Calspan Labs, you’ll be sorry.

Hey, wait! Where are you going? The bathroom isn’t that way! That’s the exit! Oh no! Is the turbulence from the air conditioner throwing you off course!? You know, if you didn’t wear those big billowy clothes, you wouldn’t have this problem!

Keep your head down! Go into a ball! Did you bring a streamlined helmet? If so, put it on!!

Don’t worry, Valerie, I’m right behind you! You can’t “blow” me off! I’d cut through thousands of tornado gusts and high-speed winds to be with you! Come to me, my love, and let me sweep you off your feet!!

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Can’t A Guy Wear a Tinfoil Hat These Days Without Being Called Crazy?

Why is that when a perfectly normal, decently attractive man steps out into the world wearing a tin foil hat, everyone automatically thinks he’s crazy? Is it really that implausible that someone might just LIKE the way a tin foil hat looks on his head?

I mean, seriously, a tin foil hat is more affordable, versatile and sparkly than pretty much any store-bought hat you can buy. What’s not to like?

Not everyone who wears a tin foil hat does it because they believe the government is listening in on their thoughts, you know? I mean, I do believe that. 100 percent. But it’s not the PRIMARY reason that I wear this hat.

After all, I could wear any number of hats to meet that goal – iron helmet, enchanted wizard cap, hollowed-out watermelon. It’s just, I CHOOSE to wear a tin foil hat because I like the way it hides my bald spot. Also, if Medusa ever sneaks up behind me, BAM! She catches a glimpse of her reflection and she’s turned to stone.

So, you see, we’re not ALL crazy conspiracy theorists who believe aliens are on their way to earth to round up all us humans so they can sell us to an intergalactic space zoo. Obviously, that’s just not true. Any sane person will tell you that the aliens are ALREADY HERE, slowly picking us off one by one!

And if you think you’re safe just because you’re a cartoon breakfast cereal mascot, think again. Because guess what? Toucan Sam works for them, now.

So you see, it just so happens that a few outspoken bad apples have spoiled the bunch when it comes to wearing tin foil hats. It’s a lot like how Adolf Hitler ruined the perfectly harmless-looking toothbrush mustache for everyone else (which I also obviously also have).

And sorry guys, but not everybody who wears Kleenex boxes for shoes is named Howard Hughes and has an unhealthy fear of germs. I’d show you my driver’s license to prove it, but I burned all my government-issue forms of identification to keep the the FDA from infecting me with the flu vaccine. So you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Come on everyone, this is the 21st century! I thought we put all those narrow-minded thoughts and stereotypes behind us. I mean, just because someone is wearing a New York Yankees hat, that doesn’t automatically mean he’s a Yankees fan! For all you know, he could just be a regular, run-of-the-mill demonic shapeshifter from Hell trying to blend in with human society.

So yeah, when I put it that way, don’t you just feel like an dumb idiot?

Look, I’m sorry I lost my temper. I don’t usually yell at people (just the invisible spiders that try to attack me on street corners). It’s just, I’ve been dealing with weird looks and whisperings behind my back for way too long. I apologize.

Now, can anyone at this middle school bake sale stop clutching her child to her chest long enough to help me out of this straightjacket!? Those little pots filled with the Gummi worms and crushed up Oreo cookie “dirt” just look delicious.

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How to Beat a Dog in a Foot Race

When it comes to most things, us humans pretty much totally destroy the canine species. Racecar driving? No contest. Archery? Easy breezy. Multiplication times tables? Made in the shade. Space travel? Well, technically they made it there first, but us humans have been to the moon. So there.

But one area where dogs still have the upper hand is foot races. Despite a number of highly publicized and valiant attempts from us humans (i.e. Carl Lewis v. Snickers, 1987), those cocky pooches continue to leave us in the dust.

And frankly, it’s embarrassing. Dogs can’t even dress themselves, for God’s sake. We have to do it for them! Where do dogs get their inhuman speed? Is it steroids? No (at least, not in the case of Lewis v. Snickers). Is it the result of an unholy deal with the devil? Almost certainly.

We all love gloating and shouting things like, “in your face” and “Looooser” into our dogs’ faces after beating them at chess or murdering them in a computer typing contest. Here’s how to keep those good times rolling and make sure your next foot race with a dog doesn’t leave you feeling like the inferior species.

Get a Good Head Start

If Fido beats you off the blocks, the race is already over. To ensure a good start, try this: take your mark, get set, and then ball your hand up into a tight fist. Show the dog the fist – wave it around a lot to really get his attention. Then, when the starting gun goes off, pretend to throw whatever is in your hand (nothing) in the opposite direction of the finish line. That dog will turn and start to chase that invisible ball like a sucker. And once he finally realizes he’s been duped, you’re already well on your way to victory.

Consider a Relay Race

If dogs have one weakness when it comes to foot races, it’s passing the baton. Exploit this weakness by inviting three of your fastest friends to race with you. Then, while you’re adeptly using your hands (complete with opposable thumbs) to pass the race from one intelligent life form to another, leg 1 and 2 of Team Pooch are stuck playing tug-of-war with that big, bright-colored stick. Zeus, Bandit: it’s called teamwork. Use it (idiots).

Plant a Bowl of Wet Food at the 30M Mark

Dogs get distracted pretty easily. Placing a big bowl of wet food along the track is almost guaranteed to buy you a few extra seconds. Other items worth planting include squeaky toys, mailboxes, fire hydrants, a hopping frog, a vacuum cleaner and things with interesting smells.

Avoid Using Cats

It’s common practice for us humans to use a cat as a lure to increase our motivation to run faster (“I want to pet that kitty!!”). However, this tactic is likely to be counter-productive when racing a dog. Similarly, hiring a dogcatcher to chase you around the track is also not recommended.

Can the Dog be a Wiener Dog?

If you get to choose your opponent, opt for a wiener dog. Their small frames and stubby legs just aren’t built for racing. Corgis and basset hounds are other good choices. If you don’t get to select the dog breed, at least try to get a pup with three legs or less.

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