Blackbeard Gets Fired From the Fire Department

Blackbeard, when we hired you a little over a year ago, I think it was fair to say that us here at the Precinct #83 Fire Department were taking a bit of gamble. Clearly, you had no firefighting experience prior to arriving here. And yet, we decided to hire you anyway because we are a proud sponsor of the Pirate Rehabilitation Program and you showed a lot of promise.

Upon hiring you, we had hoped that your significant experience with high-stress situations and working around water would translate well to the world of firefighting.

Clearly, that is not what happened.

If you need examples of your poor performance, there is no shortage of them. Your commitment to navigating the fire truck via treasure map was an unmitigated disaster. As we’ve told you before, a dotted line with instructions such as “40 paces as the crow flies” just doesn’t translate well to driving a fire truck on the crowded streets of Los Angeles.

While I appreciate your experience with cartography, I must stress that Google Maps would have been a much simpler alternative.

And once at the sight of the fire, we could find no place to put you that proved valuable in our efforts. As a hose man, your hook hand would inevitably puncture the hose and divert much of the water source directly into your thick, filthy beard.

As a ladder man, your job was to help save survivors on upper floors. And while you reached the victims remarkably quickly thanks to your rope swinging techniques, your insistence on removing those trapped by forcing them “off the plank” and out the window by sword-point resulted in many unnecessary injuries.

And as for your time as an interior search and rescue specialist, well, all I can say is that in retrospect a man with two wooden peglegs belongs no where near a flaming building.

Of course, that’s not to say that you didn’t save anyone in your time with the precinct. There was many a time when you carried someone out of the flaming wreckage and helped that individual avoid certain death. And we thank you for that. However, your attempts to immediately bury these survivors as “plundered treasure” was an unfortunate addendum to your rescue tactics.

And it wasn’t just your demeanor during rescue missions. Your peculiar off-duty actions were also wildly unsatisfactory. The constant rum drinking; the endless accordion playing; the cannonball sieges on nearby precincts – all these acts were not only against protocol, but also really, really annoying.

Also, while this didn’t really affect your job performance in any way, your decision to saunter around the firehouse with the precinct Dalmatian perched on your shoulder was especially peculiar, and probably pretty dangerous for the dog.

For these and many other reasons, I am sorry to say that we must let you go from your position here at the firehouse. Please do not attempt to pillage anything on the way out. Your final paycheck will be sent within two weeks via carrier pigeon as per your usual request. Thank you, and good day.

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The Well-Mannered Boy’s Guide to Listening to Rock and Roll

If you are a young, inquisitive teen boy, then you may have noticed a new fad sweeping the nation known as “rock and roll.” This new type of music is miles away from the calm, pleasant stylings of the Pat Boone records you have at home or the uplifting hymns you enjoy at church.

And as an intelligent young man, you likely have sought out a parent or church leader to discuss whether or not this new, rebellious type of music is or is not the work of the devil. While the answer to this question is ultimately up to your parent or guardian, most responsible adults have come to the conclusion that, when done in moderation, listening to rock and roll music can be a great way to relax after church or before thanking your mother for cooking a healthy supper.

Of course, the well-mannered boy knows that there is a right way and a wrong way to enjoy any type of music. To maintain your wholesome values and avoid the possibility for sin, follow these simple steps:

No Dancing

The up-tempo rhythms of rock and roll are often exciting and infectious, and may tempt you to get up and dance foolishly around your living room floor. However, the well-mannered boy knows that dancing is not a proper thing to do, as bodily gyrations are often sexually suggestive in nature (also, your hair will get mussed).

Because of this temptation to dance, it is important to sit quietly while listening to rock and roll. For maximum enjoyment, place your hand under your chin and listen intently with a slight smile on your face. If you are really digging the beats, then feel free to nod your head slowly or tap your hand against your knee in rhythm with the music.

Maintain a Sensible Volume

You may have noticed that some of the “bad kids” at school (you know, the ones who don’t wear collared shirts or wash behind their ears) are cranking up the volume of their rock and roll records to an obnoxious level. This is not the proper way to enjoy rock and roll.

To avoid upsetting your parents or neighbors, the polite boy keeps his rock and roll music at a sensible volume. If you are wondering how loud is too loud, remember that the right volume level is the one that allows you to hear your mother calling to you from the kitchen to come help set the table so you can eat your vegetables.

Don’t Listen to the Lyrics

Many rock and roll musicians attempt to shock the ears of listeners with rude comments and discussions of adult topics such as falling in love and being “all shook up.” As such, listening to these lyrics may lead to unsavory habits such as calling your father a “daddy-o” or not saying “please” and “thank you.” This, of course, would be an embarrassing turn of events for any teen boy, as it would disappoint his parents’ expectations. To avoid such a negative result, focus your attention on the guitars and drums rather than the words of a rock and roll song.

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FAQs for My “Big Game” Party

Hey buds, if you’re reading this, then you have either ticked the “Attending” or “Maybe” tabs on my Big Game Facebook event invite! If you are definitely coming, then I just have one thing to say: you won’t be disappointed. And if you’re still trying to decide whether or not to come, then I just want to win you over with five little words: carrot sticks with ranch dressing.

Needless to say, we’re having tons of fun whether or not you decide to show up! To help prepare you for this truly epic event, I’ve put together this little FAQ:

Why do you keep calling it the “Big Game” Party?

Sorry guys, but the NFL never e-mailed me back about my request, which means we DO NOT have the expressed written consent to use ANY trademarked or proprietary NFL terms or phrases at the party (including the one that rhymes with “shmooper shmole“). Seeing as how I would rather not get fined for copyright infringement, I’m going to request we all refer to the football match as either “The Big Game,” “The Super Match” or “The Substantial Bowl.”

While we’re on the subject, you’ll be blowing your noses with “facial tissues,” eating “lime-flavored gelatin cubes” and tossing around “flying discs” during halftime. Also, when the game is over and I ask you what you’re going to do now, you should say “I’m going to generic popular amusement park chain acreage!”

What should I wear?

Hey, come on – what would a Substantial Bowl be without football jerseys and team ball caps? Of course, I want all of you to show up in your most diehard football fan duds! Having said that, I know we’re not all going to be rooting for the same team. As such, I’m going to ask that you keep your football jerseys as generic and non-descript as possible. After all, we don’t want to offend anyone by telling him that his team choice is wrong (rude). This means no clothing that matches the colors of either team’s jersey!

Can We at Least Cheer When Our Team Scores?

Again, we don’t want anybody at the party to have their feelings hurt. Additionally, let me remind you that there will be lots of snacks and drinks – meaning that any abrupt movements or fits of unrestrained joy may result in spilled carrot sticks or splashed two-percent milk. As such, I’m going to ask that we all sit quietly and keep our thoughts about the game to ourselves.

Also, my little boy, Jimmy, is going to be sleeping in the next room, so really guys, we can’t get too rowdy.

Did you get the big screen TV?

Oh yeah, baby – and I can tell you right now that it is a thing of beauty! We’re talking a screen so big and a picture quality so crystal-clear, that you’ll swear that all the action is actually taking place right in front of you! Trust me, you will not be disappointed! I’m telling you, when you see little Jimmy on that screen, you’ll swear he was sleeping right in front of you!

Oh yeah, small note: I’ve got to keep an eye on Jimmy all day, so I’ll have the video monitor hooked up to the TV. But don’t worry, because we can totally still watch the game thanks to picture-in-picture! I’m sure we’ll totally still be able to make out most of the action!

Should I bring headphones?

Probably. The TV will be on mute on account of Jimmy. He’s a light sleeper.

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Brochure for the Hardwick Summer School for Cool Blind Kids

All children are vulnerable to feelings of nervousness, low confidence and “not fitting in.” This is especially true for children with disabilities. If you are concerned that your visually impaired child is presently heading down a dead-end track of nerdiness and unpopularity, then it’s time to do your child a favor and enroll him or her in a summer program at the Hardwick School for Cool Blind Kids.

graduating class, 2007

The Hardwick School for Cool Blind Kids is the only preparatory program that is specifically designed to give blind children the necessary skills and confidence to compete with the “coolest” and most “radical” kids in their local school systems.

We all know blind kids have it tough, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In fact, various research programs and studies have concluded that blind individuals are actually more genetically likely to be hip, tuned in and switched on than normally sighted people.

Clearly, science has proven that a blind person’s body overcompensates for a lack of sight not only by heightening their sense of hearing, but also by heightening what experts have come to describe as “with-it-ative-ness.”

So why isn’t your child wearing a cool set of shades and playing the saxophone in a hip jazz fusion band? Because the natural feelings of alienation caused by a traditional school are keeping your child’s natural awesomeness from blossoming!

At the Hardwick School for Cool Blind Kids, we teach your child that blindness is not a disability, but rather an over-ability. In as little as four weeks, your child will learn just how special and naturally tubular he or she is. Core topics of study offered at the Hardwick School include:

• Teen Slang
• Shades
• Backwards Hats
• Crossed Arms
• Listening to Ray Charles
• Bad-itude 101

At the completion of this one-month program, each student will be presented with a Hardwick diploma and leather jacket. If your child graduates with honors, then he or she will also be awarded with a prestigious Hardwick pork-pie hat.

Following graduation, our alumni go on to become some of the coolest and most popular kids at their traditional school. Our absorption rate into the “cool” lunch table at school is nearly 92 percent!

So what are you waiting for? Prepare your child for a long, successful lifetime of popularity and platinum gold jazz records by enrolling him or her in the Hardwick Summer School for Cool Blind Kids today!

Don’t let your child’s natural tubular-osity go to waste! Help them let the hip out with Hardwick!

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How To Raise The Value of Your Trailer Home

As we all know, trailer folk are some of the best folk in the world. However, it is also known that this hard-working backbone of the Appalachians drives a hard bargain when it comes to finding an affordable place to live. If all your years of hard work have finally paid off and you’ve managed to win the lottery or a frivolous lawsuit, then that means you’re ready to sell your trailer home and move on up to one of those fancy stationary homes you’ve seen on the television!

Or contrastly, you’ve finally hit rock bottom and are planning on camping out in a tent in the woods. Either way, you’ve got a mobile home that you’re looking to sell for top dollar. To get the most for your home sweet home, invest a little time to raise the value of that trailer with these easy and affordable tips:

Get Rid of Clutter

Clutter is your enemy when it comes to selling a trailer home. Trailers are small enough as it is – which means you don’t need things like beer cans and meth-cooking equipment scattered about and making things look even smaller. For best results, take all that stuff and throw it in the woods behind your trailer to clear up some space. Another option is to borrow your friend’s truck for a couple hours so you can haul all those beer cans to the recycling center.

Or, you could keep your treasured memories close to your heart and proudly display all those aluminum friends of yours on a handsome shelf above your bed. One look at that long row of Coors Silver Bullets, and your trailer shoppers will instantly think they’ve walked into the Ritz.

Install a Retractable Awning

If there is one trailer home addition that instantly boosts lot appeal, it’s the retractable awning. One look at this sun-stopping dream product, and your mobile home will scream classy with a capital K. Throw a couple lawn chairs under the awning, and prospective home owners will quickly realize that shade isn’t just for the Rockefellers anymore! An awning instantly turns outside consumption of alcohol into a pleasant and comfortable experience – no matter what the temperature or time of day!

Tip: to install a retractable awning on the cheap, steal one from one of those swanky doublewides on the other side of the trailer park.

Hang a Patriotic Flag From the Roof

You already know that the next tenants of your home are going to want to show their pride for America (and hatred for all those other “funny-talking” nations) by putting up a patriotic flag. Why not beat them to the punch and include such a flag free of charge? Of course, the good old-fashioned stars and stripes is the classic standard. However, other good options include a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag, Lynyrd Skynrd flag, or a simple white sheet that just says, “Get Out!”

Location, Location, Location

In the world of real estate, location is everything. And when it comes to the common trailer park, we all know that the most desirable homes are the ones that are situated close to the payphone. No one wants to walk a quarter mile every time they need to order a pizza or make a drug deal. As such, unhook your hitch and roll your trailer as close to that desirable payphone as possible.

Or, if you’re lucky enough to learn that a murder-suicide has created a recent vacancy in the vicinity of the pay phone, take the initiative and ask the park manager if you can switch lots with the previous tenants.

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That-Time-of-the-Month Tubes

Husbands, does that monthly visit from Aunt Flo have your wife serving dinner with a side of sass? Boyfriends, are the irrational emotions of your lady friend getting in the way of going “all the way?”  Sons, are mommy’s screaming fits and unfair punishments keeping you from watching your favorite television program?

Whether you’re young or old, black or white, all men have been negatively affected by the unnatural horrors of female menstruation. Now, FlimCo introduces the revolutionary new product will have you waving goodbye forever to the insidious one-week beast that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time.

Introducing: That-Time-of-the-Month Tubes! That’s right, That-Time-of-the-Month Tubes!

That-Time-of-the-Month Tubes are small, single-female storage containers that are designed to safely and efficiently detain the bad-tempered housewife for up to seven days!

How does it work? At the first sign of sass, take your lady of choice and place her within your That-Time-of-the-Month Tube. Then, simply close the door to instantly lock away all those unnatural womanly emotions!

Once inside, your housewife will continue to fume with anger, spewing poisonous fire breath and attempting to guilt you into doing HER housework – but don’t worry, because you won’t hear any of it! Thanks to FlimCo’s advanced soundproofing technology, That-Time-of-the-Month Tubes effectively isolate all levels of bitchiness!

Set her and forget her! No longer will you have to wait an entire five to seven days before peace and tranquility are restored to your household! Simply seal your wife, girlfriend or mother in this miracle tube, and walk away for INSTANT RELIEF!

As your loved one shouts and curses within the chamber, her hot-headed antics will inevitably cause the extra-thick glass window to fog with steam. This process serves as a natural deterrent to those piercing glances or “mom looks” that may otherwise poison the surrounding area. And once the fog fades, you know the whole tirade has finally blown over and you can safely remove your gal pal without fear or repercussions!

That-Time-of-the-Month Tubes preserve your little lady for MAXIMUM FRESHNESS!

Wonder what goes on inside that tube until the fog fades? You’ll sleep easy knowing that the internal chamber was designed with a woman’s touch in mind. Unique features such as lavender air freshener, makeup kit and woman’s fashion magazines are designed to simultaneously pamper and subdue your lovely lady!

Finally, no more interruptions during the big game! No more complaints about how you need to be more romantic! And most importantly, no more conversations that start with the phrase, “We need to talk!”

Say, “so long” to the dreaded monthlies forever with the help of That-Time-of-the-Month Tubes!

That-Time-of-the-Month Tube is the newest family innovation from FlimCo – the makers of Grandpa Hat of The Baby Box! FlimCo – fixing your family tree since 1983!

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Unfortunate Street Advertisements

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Kids, Grandpa’s Gone Away Forever to Live on a Farm

Kids, come here – we have some bad news for you. You remember how last year your mother and I made the decision to take your dog, Muffin, out to that farm in the country so he could have more room to run and play? Yeah, well yesterday we also decided to take grandpa up there and drop him off.

Now, I know you’re going to miss your grandpa a whole bunch, but you have to realize that he’s in a better place now. I mean, you know we loved grandpa with all our hearts, but it just wasn’t fair for us to keep him cooped up in that small basement downstairs all day while we were at work and you were at school. That’s just not how grandpas should live. You saw how sad he was when you would leave for school – just staring at you with those big sad eyes as you walked down to the school bus.

That’s why he’ll be much happier running around and rolling in the big, open meadows all day on this great farm we found upstate.

And you two saw how much grandpa loved squirrels, right? He’d sit in that chair by the window for hours just looking out into the backyard with that goofy old smile of his – and every time he spotted a squirrel, boy, would he just go nuts. Well, now instead of being stuck inside without the ability to open the sliding glass door because of his arthritis, he can actually be out there on that farm shuffling after those squirrels in his house slippers!

No, Billy, I’m sorry but we can’t go visit him. But don’t worry, because there are lots of other old folks out there to keep him company. You should have seen the way they all ran out to greet us when we arrived. They shuffled alongside the car as we drove up the dirt path, and as soon as we got out, they all crowded around him before going off to play in the cornfields. He looked so happy!

Oh, and you should have met the nice family that owns the farm. You know how grandpa is usually very skeptical of strangers who are younger than him? Well, he just took to this family right away!

Of course, no family could replace the one that grandpa has right here, but this family will treat him real nice – I just know it. Trust me, they’ll give him lots of attention and treats every day, and if he’s really good I bet they’ll even rub rash cream on his tummy for him. Plus, out there in the country, they have a channel that is all Matlock and Murder, She Wrote re-runs – and you know how much grandpa loves those old mystery shows.

Oh my, and you should have seen the toy room they had set up. You walk in, and there are crossword puzzles as far as the eye can see. Grandpa picked one up off the floor and started playing with it right away like it was his.

The room also had lots of old, boring black-and-white movies with really bad special effects. And on one side of the room, they’ve got one long rack filled with nothing but cardigan sweaters. Grandpa will never have to worry about complaining about it being drafty again.

Also, in one corner of the room was the biggest button collection you’ve ever seen! And above that, a big old sign that said, “It’s a grandpa’s life.”

Boy, I wish you guys could have seen his face when we dropped him off. But like I said, we’re not allowed to visit him there, on account of the farm rules. But don’t worry, because that doesn’t mean we’ll never see him again. When mommy and daddy get older, we’ll go away and live on that farm too.

And eventually, so will you. Although, I’ll be honest, I hope you don’t get to go there for a long, long time. Even if it is just about the most amazing place you’ve ever seen.

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Mad Scientist Career Outlook Profile

Mad scientists apply the principles of science and mathematics in an attempt to bring a myriad of evil, self-promoting schemes to fruition. While the ultimate goal of a mad scientist may be world domination, other, lesser career aspirations may include exacting revenge on a perceived antagonist, re-animating corpses and tricking a girl into falling in love with him.

Job duties of a mad scientist may include:

• Setting up and maintaining laboratory equipment
• Monitoring experiments
• Robbing graves
• Kidnapping live human specimens
• Controlling the weather
• Attaching lasers to sharks or bears
• Standing over colored, bubbling test tubes and laughing maniacally

The majority of mad scientists work indoors in laboratory settings. Due to the inherent secrecy of the profession, most labs are found in rural or remote areas. Locations that boast the largest populations of mad scientists include underground lairs deep below the earth’s surface, the interior cavity of active volcanoes, and hollowed-out chambers within the four presidential heads of the Mt. Rushmore monument.

While post-secondary education is not a requirement for employment within the field, a master’s or doctoral degree is often beneficial for the purposes of understanding the complexities of such advanced topics as human biology, germ warfare and skin-melting chemical compounds. College graduates also benefit from the opportunity to be over-shadowed by the scientific pursuits of a more good-natured and humanitarian student, which studies have shown is a key factor in achieving success in the field.

Beyond formal education, a considerable amount of real-world experience is also suggested for the aspiring mad scientist. Extracurricular activities that may improve job prospects include losing touch with reality, learning to work with and around chloroform-soaked rags and physically enlarging his or her brain through the use of radioactive materials or other means.

Personality traits that may be beneficial for mad scientists include dementia, lack of social skills, callousness towards the emotions of others, megalomania and the ability to multitask.

Potential work hazards for the professional mad scientist are unusually high in comparison to other professions, and include everything from accidental poisoning and incineration to being assaulted by a mob of villagers carrying torches or foiled by a suave government agent right after detailing his or her entire plot for world domination.

Recent advancements in the fields of cloning, mind control and ray gun technology suggest that overall job prospects for mad scientists will grow much faster than the average of all U.S. professions. In fact, by the year 2015, experts project that an evil cadre of mad scientists will supplant themselves as global leaders of the human race through the use of subliminal hypnosis and heat-ray vision.

Earning potential for these industry leaders is estimated to be $3,500,000,000,000 annually.

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How to Give Up on Your Dreams and Just be Average

When we are young, we all have dreams about the future. Perhaps you wanted to be a doctor, or an actress, or even a famous writer. Thankfully, by the time most of us grow up, we realize how incredibly intangible and difficult it is to accomplish such a dream.

And so we inevitably forget about these silly, childish ideas of “achieving our full potentials,” “enjoying our jobs” or “being happy” and quietly dig ourselves into a nice, comfortable rut from which we can slowly pass our time with minimum effort or stress.

Naturally, this is as it should be. However, for the unlucky few who still cling to the ridiculous dream of one day “publishing a novel” or “curing cancer,” the long and arduous road of constant failures and setbacks is an all too common occurrence. If you would like to break free from this real-world nightmare and learn how to blissfully coast through life as if in a coma, then do yourself a favor and follow these  four simple steps:

Get a Job That Slowly Sucks the Life Out of You

If you’re a dreamer, the first thing you need to get rid of is all that motivation and self drive. One of the best ways to flush these unwanted characteristics from your life is to slowly crush your spirit under the weight of an unfulfilling job. If you’re having trouble finding such a job, then you haven’t been looking very hard – shitty jobs are everywhere.

For best results, stick to the corporate or retail worlds. These fields are especially monotonous, and almost certain to leave you a mere shell of yourself. After a couple years of staring at your cubicle walls and discussing how much you hate Mondays with your co-workers, you can bet that spirit of yours will slowly crumble and fade away.

Tip: steer clear of “mirage industries” such as entertainment and fashion. Seeing others succeed around you may falsely convince you that your dreams are worth pursuing.

Buy a Premium Cable Package

If you’ve found the right job (i.e. the first one that was offered to you), then chances are you’ll be nice and wiped after putting in your 9 to 5 every day. At least, you better hope so – otherwise you may be tempted to pursue your dreams in the off hours. To eliminate such motivations, invest in a premium cable package.

Television – or as scholars call it, “The Great Distracter” – is the miracle invention that helps you turn off all those nagging voices in the back of your head that keep telling you to make something of yourself. And with hundreds of channels to choose from, you can be sure that something at least slightly amusing will be on to distract you at all times.

Tip: steer clear of inspirational or educational shows, as these may get you thinking about your life. Better options include TMZ, CSI: Miami and pretty much anything on MTV.

Take Up Drinking

Drinking is another great way to slowly drown the motivation out of you. A few glasses of Merlot, Chardonnay or Irish Car Bombs after work, and your head will be swimming with anything but creativity. Plus, filling that hole inside of you with alcohol (or drugs, or sex, or any other vice for that matter) will trick you into thinking nothing is missing in your life.

Bring Others Down With You

Once you’ve successfully given up on your dreams and accepted life as a normal, completely average person, it’s time to pay it forward and help others by bringing them down with you. If a friend or loved one is struggling with giving up on his or her dreams, help them out by saying things like, “you’ll never succeed” or “why don’t you take a break and come watch some TV with me?”  Not only will this save your friend from a lifetime of heartbreak, but it will also make things more tolerable for you – remember, misery loves company.

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